BIRMINGHAM Tossing in my bunk, I dream I see the gates of hell creaking open I wake to the sound of Larry Love retching. He sits on one of the monitors and mutters incoherently to himself in front of 2,000 Glaswegians He hasn't realised the band left the stage 10 minutes ago SHEFFIELD Up at 5pm, feral and zombified Time for my first nervous breakdown In the dressing room, Larry tells me Rock has left the band. CAMBRIDGE I have slept, I've had a shower, I've had breakfast I am a normal person Yes I am It's an easy gig. D Wayne has recovered from his psychotic episode, Rock has remembered how to play and it's a fluffy crowd; they jump up and down and shout and scream just like they're supposed to.
Half an hour to showtime, and the Right Reverend D Wayne is nervous; his home town, and a big audience full of his friends, relations and possibly enemies We take to the stage We strike up the opening chords of the first song The crowd roars We suck We're seriously out of practice D Wayne shuffles on to the stage. With his beard and locks, he looks like Charles I before the Assizes - if Charles I was a darts professional given to wandering around the stage mumbling The set ends, and everybody mercifully leaves the stage Except for D Wayne. GLASGOW I wake up in the mobile coffin that is my bunk at 4pm, covered in sweat, smelling like a pregnant badger. In the dressing room, Rock laughs hysterically to himself, about what, nobody knows. The reviews for the album Outlaw in May included four stars from The Guardian and five from The Sun, so we're down with the chavs, although the response was a little cooler to the last single "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash"; ("No you're not, you're a twat" - NME) The first night gig's ropey, but we get away with it.
He fumbles with his guitar like a disembowelled man trying to re-insert his own intestines Incredulous glances are exchanged Rock looks up at Davey, our roadie. "That was all right, wasn't it?" "Er, yeah." NEWCASTLE On the road. It appears the band has collapsed, and we're not even on the bus yet. Il Luce, our lighting man, has succumbed to kidney failure as the result of a tropical disease Larry Love and D Wayne, our "singers" , have gone awol. Piers, our programmer, and drummer Johnny are exchanging tips on medication for high blood pressure, and Rock Freebase, guitarist, has "fallen down stairs and hurt his nose".